Fake Trip Advisor Review 1

Intercontinental Hotel, Tokyo, Japan. Business man in Tokyo.

I just finished up with my business trip in Tokyo while staying at the Intercontinental. I run an at-home body products business online and I came here to try and make a sale to a leading distributor, although when I got here, I couldn't find them, and when I did, there was a communication gap and I was just too disgusted to go on with it. I'm still in Tokyo, writing this at the hotel community room, but I can't seem to find my way out of the country. Really want to leave though. The hotel is fine, but what really got me was how backwards everything is here. They're angry about Pol Pot I think, because when I transferred from my layover in the Philippines to Japanese Air they said they couldn't accommodate me because of my size. I told the stewardess they hate me because we killed Pol Pot and that got her real mad. She started hollering about Alah and everything and I was just lucky I didn't get suicide bombed right then and there. I heard these people like to do this honor killing thing, my buddies warned me about it, but on the plane?! She quit hollering though because she could tell I was real worried. Listen, take my advice, if you ever get threatened by a hysterical Japanese suicide bomber posing as a stewardess on a plane just do what I did. Point towards Tokyo to indicate you just want to get to your destination, then make a sign with your hands as if something is exploding inside them while making an exploding sound with your mouth to indicate you don't want to get blown up, then point at yourself so they know it's you who doesn't want to die. It really works, because the next thing I know she starts crying and yelling something like, "Hiroshimama" or something. Whatever it was, I avoided a real potential problem.
When we landed, I hailed a taxi and pointed to a picture of the hotel I kept on me because I was thinking ahead and heard these people don't read English and are illiterate. He mumbled something and drove me straight there. He was talking about something but I could hardly understand and couldn't make it out, I think he was crazy, but then I learned they all do that and I was really worried about my business trip.
When we arrived at the hotel, my worries were confirmed: their English is incomprehensible, they just do this jabber thing that's just really disgusting. I think its because of the way their faces are shaped that muffle what it is they're trying to say. Anyway, for dining stuff the food was okay…I mean, different, but okay. The problem is you have to unroll the fish yourself, it doesn't make any sense and just means more work, but they bring these sticks out you use to unroll the fish and flatten it, and why do they always forget to bring silverware? I think they want tips or something.
The hotel has a money changing booth but that was another problem: they only give you Disney dollars or whatever, but don't worry, every place I went to takes them. I was embarrassed using them at first around Tokyo but people seemed to sympathize with my situation and accept the monopoly money so that cleared everything up.
Word of the wise: their images of Jesus over here are way off; he's overweight. I couldn't believe it, but he was bald and overweight. I tried pointing this out to a few people but they didn't get it. I took a tour of one of the churches and while I was near the altar, you know, just repulsed and disgusted, I tried explaining to the people around me about how Jesus had a beard and was thinner, when they didn't understand, I took out my sharpie and corrected the statue by putting a beard on it and black holes around the wrists and then took out my red marker and put red all over it. I think they were impressed because the lady started screaming this "Gaijin" thing at me, which, because by this time I was accustomed to understanding what they meant to say, I knew to be "Great." So they were all running around me and showing these guards what I had done and pointing at me saying "Great" and the guards ran up to me to thank me. But I knew about Jesus being modest so I just made my way out of there and decided to avoid the thank you's. I wouldn't have understood it anyway.
When I got back to the hotel they moved me to another room. I'm not too excited about it, the bathroom is actually near the bed and they gave me a roommate I didn't ask for. But I guess it's free because they haven't asked me for any money yet. There's also free internet in the community room but I can't go outside at all which is strange. I figured there must have been a terrorist attack or something.